My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
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[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Cat is stressing him out.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.