HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
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Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…