Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
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The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Time for evil
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend