Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
You Might Also Like
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys