Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
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There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.