Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
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If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
😆this is so true
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.