HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
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[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints