I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
You Might Also Like
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
My body treating me like we鈥檙e in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it鈥檚 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you鈥檙e still fixing printers then?
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Husband: *buys anything* Let鈥檚 save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
馃崉 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can鈥檛 answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I don鈥檛 think I鈥檓 necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I鈥檝e already reached my destination.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.