In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
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My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha