me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
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[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
who named him groot and not spruce lee
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal