They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
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The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol