If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
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Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh