My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
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Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
“That’s what” – She
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Catering service
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT