Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
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Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
this post was so formative to me
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?