My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
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Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.