chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
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me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’