Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
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If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
OH. COME. ON.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”