CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
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I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.