[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
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Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like