[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
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I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.