Why font matters.
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A Match(.com), but for socks.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I can’t be the only one 😂
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Children of the corn 🌽
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.