My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
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ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”