“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
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My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.