Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
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A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.