Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
You Might Also Like
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
cats when you pet them too long:
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free