Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
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My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg