I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
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Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.