Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
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God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
wish me luck lads
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.