*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
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put ‘er there pardner!
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
My time has come.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Skills
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I feel it
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.