[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.