“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
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It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?