*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
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[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out