Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
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Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.