You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
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dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.