If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
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[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Yup
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.