My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
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[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Catering service
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Twitter remains undefeated
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.