Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
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Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Cndnsd Mlk
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys