Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
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DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.