Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
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My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.