Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
You Might Also Like
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
God has left this place
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Smooooooth
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?