“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
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1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.