Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
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My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Can. I. Help. You.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.