Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
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Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.