Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
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My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Finally!
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??