Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
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Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist