Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
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Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.