What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
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Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?