*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
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“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.