We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
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We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.