[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
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If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
quarantine day 3
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?